early quarantine times, early spring of 2020. everyone was very unsure of what would happen to society, what would happen to their lives, and where we would end up at the end of all of this virus crisis. we also had way too much free time and way too much money to handle all at once after working minimum wage jobs since 18 years old (jk we deserved all that pay back from our stinky government leaders lol). i quit the job i had for 5 years, mostly for personal reasons but also because i was curious about what this new freedom could do for me.
at that time in my life, i was 24 years old & i had been a pretty high functioning substance user/abuser but it hadn't reached its boiling point yet, still was able to enjoy the highs i brought onto myself. my "normal" week consisted of me going to my job for 5-6 hours, then driving to dtla to either practice dj sets, kick it at the arts district pizza spot my homies worked at so we could get free pizza and steal their beers (not sorry), or id end up at some bar/club/venue amongst other folks on cocktails of narcotics. id stay up and outside until the sun came up and zoom back home to try to sleep before going back to work, only allowing myself to get 1-2 hrs of rest, rest that was never really true recovery as the cocaine and mushrooms in my system were still lingering, even as i started my work shifts at this restaurant i was at daily. looking back, it's insane the balancing act i was able to maintain.
so back to quarantine, we had nothing to do & no where to go. my brain eventually (within a month's time) couldn't handle the isolation and restriction, but of course wasn't trying to catch this unknown virus and ruin my life or the lives of others around me. the addict brain i have cooked up a plan to get out of the city and find somewhere to go to just unwind and release the tensions i had. the unemployment checks came in, i booked a 3 day stay at this air b n b in san diego with only 2 days in advance to plan, i was ready to go regardless. at this time, i had a friend who was down to roll with me and she invited some girl she swore would be good vibes. it was a very obvious "we are going to trip balls" plot, please remember this for later events in this story lol. and to be honest, i was always a pretty responsible and easy to be around while under the influence, i was verified lol. everything was good to go! i even paid for it all on my own, told my friend not to worry just put ins on gas, as long as they promised to be on a good energy during this trip as it's what i planned this all for.
i handled the driving and let the friend of my friend join us on the 2 hour drive down south to our promised oasis, as advertised online lol. i know i was looking forward to swimming, as they promised in the air b n b that the pool was open still for people renting rooms. idk if it's just me, but whenever i was heavily high on anything, id need to end up in some water. at the end of many benders you would find me practically drowning myself under my shower head, sitting on the bathtub floor letting the stream fall over me and hoping it would wash away the negativity i allowed to invade my mind. so i knew id need that safety net to run to in case my high got too intense. from what i remember, the drive didn't show any signs of impending doom and disaster. we made a pit stop at some scenic beaches on our way to kill time until our check in, it seemed like everything was going smoothly and would continue to.
we arrived in san diego finally at our destination, a nice apartment in downtown area. walking distance from the baseball stadium, lots of military base looking dudes walking around, sunny and warm. we got to the room, it was nice! spacious enough for us 3 and we invited our guy friend to join us as well and he was coming thru already. 4 young adults sharing one air b n b, what could go wrong! the homie arrived and had a gift for me, as i also told him he didn't need to worry about paying me to join us. as he entered the apartment, he came and gave me a baggie of blow, not knowing i had my own stash already ready to go. fuck it, the more the merrier? lmao. we handled getting as much booze as we could for free, snacks and food for recovery, and settled in for the night ahead of us all.
the sun started to set, i was sitting on the balcony and smoking some weed as i tried to prepare my mind to dose with my friends and have a good time. i even brought my nintendo switch because i love playing video games while tripping lmao. everyone else sat in the living room, just seperated from me by the glass window and door, i couldn't hear anything going on as i finished my solo smoke session. i turned around and realized something was off immediately. instead of finding my 2 friends and the new person i just met, i came inside to find only the new person. confused, i asked her where everyone went and she tried telling me they stepped outside because they started arguing amongst themselves, which kinda made sense for other reasons but also didn't really add up because when i left the room only 30 min before everything was abruptly different. i called my friends to no answer a few times, and started feeling concern and frustration but wasn't trying to overreact in front of this new person until i knew what had happened. i finally received a text from my friend and she told me exactly what had happened and it was not what this girl sitting on the couch tried telling me had happened. here we goooooooo.
apparently, while i was outside smoking, this girl had convinced herself that our guy friend was being weird (he wasn't) and accused him of being a weirdo out of the blue (he's not). so of course he was like wtf is wrong with u, felt mad uncomfortable and left and the homegirl followed him out to see where he was going and if he was ok. i get off the phone and confront this girl on the couch, like why tf did you that and why did you lie? she didn't say much, obviously feeling regret for what she did. luckily my friends were coming back, and i waited for them to arrive before truly exploding on this woman. and guess what happened when they came back!!!! this woman started telling the homegirl that i was just some weirdo drug addict and a bad influence on everyone LMAO. within 6-7 hours of meeting me, sitting in my car, sitting in my air b n b, me still being sober as fuck... wth! the vibes were fucked. i shouldn't have let this affect me so much, but of course my emotions were not great at the time and reactions were very impulsive.
i turned to this woman and everyone else in the room and told them "i have 14 grams of mushrooms, 2 grams of blow and all the booze, im going to dose myself and lock myself away from all of you. idk how i'll feel but i would not bother me unless you have good news for me". immediately, new woman was scared lmao, as she should be. if i was in her position i would be too. it was probably 9 pm, and i had enough waiting. oh! forgot to mention, the pool was closed >:( so bathtub party it was lmao. i started consuming these mushrooms like they were bbq lays, straight from a plastic sandwich bag. i watched the tub fill up, with the hottest water i could use and laid myself down in the tub. racked up lines and settled in for this mind fuck i was about to endure. i had to turn off all the lights in the bathroom, and just used the phone light to guide me and my chaos. playing lo fi psych indie music on my phone, i started to sink into this high. from the outside looking in, it probably looked dark. but to me, it was all that i wanted. the degeneracy was welcoming and accepting, non judgemental and always waiting for me to come back home. i loved it and it loved me.
hours flew by, i kept consuming mushrooms and snorting snow until the fungus ran out. then it hit me fr, did i really just eat 14 grams? 4x the normal heavy dose (3.5g)? wilding. i didn't know what to expect but if i know anything from previous experiences, you just gotta let it happen to you. no fighting now. i remember leaning into this animilastic mood i had found myself in and couldn't handle the high maintenance task of lining up this coke to inhale, so i legit just opened the last baggie i had and licked the powder pile that was left inside all at once. officially wilding. what time was it? what were my friends doing? am i being loud? what am i doing?
then, a knock on the bathroom door. it's my friend and she was checking to see if i'm ok. i allow her to come in and she immediately laughs, but i'm sure she was like wth is going on. i invite her to sit in the tub with me and she said she was down. we shared some laughs but sadly, i dont really remember much of what we talked about. she just wanted to make sure i wasn't dying pretty much lmao. she had told me that the new woman had called a friend to pick her up, and was leaving. success for me lmao. i asked my friend if i was being chaotic, if i needed to calm down, but she assured me that they didn't hear me so that's why she came to check on me. sounds good to me! i turned the music up louder and let the chaos consume me.
the hours after this started turning darker. i was alone again in the bathtub, in the dark. i found myself listening to mac demarco's "another one" album. felt ghostly and hollow somehow. i realized i had broken some glass cups, wonder how the hosts would handle this. oh well lol. i laid in the tub and started to feel my eyes shut. is this dangerous? i didn't care much if i was in danger. i tried to sing along to the songs playing but found myself nodding off slowly into the warm water surrounding me, hugging me. i needed this.
i would wake up here and there, but couldn't maintain full consciousness for the remainder of the high, it fully had control of me. i'm grateful to have ended up safe at the end of all this. i finally woke up hours later. it was still dark out but the sun was about to start rising, i only knew because my phone's weather app. i still was stuck in this dark bathroom. i climbed out the bathtub and walked out the room to let my friends know that i had survived and was starting to come down, just to rush back to my safe space and start vomiting in the toilet. you know when you watch those videos of people throwing up while on psychedelics in the jungle with a shaman? that's what it felt like, it felt cleansing and i knew id be safe from this high sooner than later. i know all this sounds savage but that's what drugs do to you lol.
the high was done. i had survived. there was an afterglow affect the next day, but i was fully functioning. how? there must be something looking out for me. not that id die from mushrooms, but i know so many people who can't even handle less then a 3.5 dose. i should've been concerned but at the time, i was proud of my strength. i'm thankful i didn't hurt myself. i wouldn't encourage anyone to do things like this. it was a life changing high, but it comes with lots of consequences and if you're not ready to face them later on then you'll end up in a really dark place.
what's crazy about this story also is that i don't even talk to anyone else involved in this story. haven't seen them in years now. friendships that i had valued eventually disappeared. crazy that i had experienced something so mind altering around people who feel like they never really existed, on some glitched simulation type beat lmao.
i've told a few people this story and they usually share the same first reaction, something like "holy shit that's a lot of drugs at once". yes, it is. don't do it to yourself. i just like to reflect on the things i've survived when i feel unsure about my future. whatever may seem hard in present time, unable to overcome, just give it time. give it space. give it time to grow into what it's going to be. you can't control everything, i can only control myself. another thing i've learned from this is obviously not to over indulge when it's not needed. i barely remember the highest part of the trip, is it worth it then? i'm not really sure. i wouldn't do it again.
i've been sober for over a year now (ca sober i smoke weed and drink beer here and there), and it feels like a whole new life for me. wonder where i'll end up next.
much love. stay safe.
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